On Change

It’s been a while; it’s been even longer since I’ve published a book. Well, there’s a story behind that, isn’t there always?

Change is my enemy.

I have a really hard time accepting change and implementing those changes in my life. I am a creature of habit, and it’s hard for me to do something outside of my schedule. Seriously, I wake up and go to bed at the same time every day, yes including the weekend. Why? Apparently, my body’s internal clock also hates change and doesn’t ever want me to sleep past six in the morning. This means, I’m usually in bed by 9:30 pm. I’ve tried numerous times to sleep in when I’m off from my day job, but it doesn’t happen, and so I’ve accepted I’ll never sleep in, stay up writing or watching television until one in the morning.

I also dislike doing errands when I’m off from my day job. I like to prepare for the next day and watch television but getting me to do chores is like pulling teeth, seriously! Saturdays are for errands, and Sundays are for lounging around before the next work week begins.

So why did I tell you my boring day to day? To emphasize my schedule and how much I hate going outside of it.

I had the biggest change of my life December 2017. My whole life was flipped upside down. My husband accepted a job in Florida; we lived in Georgia.

Pause, I KNOW there are MANY people who have it worse than I do, but for me, this is a HUGE challenge. I’ve told myself a million times that I’m lucky my husband and I are working, can afford a house and can put food on the table. WE ARE LUCKY! So many people CANNOT do those things, and my heart breaks for them.

But during this process, I discovered how much I really do hate change. Anxiety reared its ugly head when we listed our the first house we bought together for sale, when we actually handed the keys over to the new owner, when I moved in with my mom while I worked until I was finally able to give my notice (because I really didn’t want to leave my job), when my husband and I lived in different states for six months (I know army wives do this for much longer with MUCH LESS contact from their spouse, and I have the utmost respect for those couples because I don’t think I could handle it.), when I had my last day at my day job in Atlanta, when we bought our house in Florida, when I officially moved to Florida in April 2018, and almost every day since I’ve lived in Florida away from my family and friends and the life I’ve always known.

So yeah, A LOT of people have it MUCH WORSE than me, and this is not me playing a fiddle and crying about how I had to move away from everything I knew. This is me saying my anxiety took over, and I haven’t been able to accept my new way of life. Yes, it’s mental. Yes, things are good. Yes, I have food to eat and a roof over my head. Yes, my family and friends are only six and a half hours away. But change…. well, I’m not a fan, especially when my brain is telling me this is too much.

Reading and writing have taken a back seat. I’ve had a hard time finding the things I love again, but I’m hoping to bring that love back. I’m going to search for it and bring those things back because they’re what make me happy, and I need things that make me happy.

I’m writing this in case anyone else out there feels the same about change. I want you to know you aren’t alone. Sure some people are really great about accepting things as a new adventure and how exciting a new life is going to be, but for some of us, things like moving to a new state, accepting a new job, finding your tribe again are hard. I’m one of those people.

What am I doing to change my mentality? To accept a change that I’m not excited about? To find myself and the things I love again? Well, you’ll just have to read my next post, On Moving On.

If you ever, need to talk let me know. Maybe we can help each other.

xoxo, hm sholander

 

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*This is in no way advice; please do not take it as such. These are just my musings, and I thought I would share. If you think you need help, please seek out a professional, as I assure you, I definitely am not one.

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